The public should vote for our lies again, the Conservatives have announced.
As the public heads to the polls, the Prime Minister made a last-minute attempt to swing the vote back to the Conservatives: “We have nothing to offer except lies, racism and the annihilation of the NHS. Please vote for us today and give us another opportunity renege on all our promises.”
“The patriotic will of the people was made clear in the EU referendum and in the most recent general election, and I call on the voting public to now vote accordingly. This means voting for the a Conservative Party that has been infiltrated and shifted to the far-right by UKIP.”
“Because the people love me, I predict we will win all wards with at least 100 per cent of the popular vote. In the event that Labour do well, my allies in the media and the PLP stand ready to say that any result for Labour, however good, is a disaster and a sign that Jeremy Corbyn should resign, or at least stop holding me to account.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is mounting evidence that voters intend to punish Labour for unpatriotically holding the government to account, when the party should instead have been praising Theresa May’s brave decision to attend PMQs in the nude, to show she has nothing to hide over the Windrush scandal.”
“I will be on television later tonight to help the Government save face in the wake of big losses in today’s local elections.”