By Jeff Bumfield
The UK Government has finally announced a date for “Freedom Day”, when it will thoroughly wash its hands of all responsibility for the heath and financial security of the public.
The day 19 July will mark the country’s official transition from Mad Max 1 to Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome, after which the continued spread of the Covid-19 virus will be entirely the fault of the public, according to the Government.
According to an unnamed Government minister, “The Great British public are incredibly intelligent, as proven by the 52 per cent who voted to crash the economy in an historic vote in 2016, and we have every confidence that British common sense will prevail.”
“Anyone who is still concerned about their family contracting the virus will be entirely free to send their nanny, or one of the other servants, to Fortnum & Mason when the pantry needs restocking with caviar and champagne.”
“I understand not everyone can do exactly this , but if people are simply too lazy to be born into extreme wealth, then there’s really nothing more we can do to help them, my dear fellow.”
However, the pandemic has not been bad new for everybody, as the minister went on to explain: “We will, of course, be setting up a fund to help those in financial need as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic. Anyone can apply to become a taxpayer-funded millionaire through this scheme, as long as they are a close friend or relative of a Government minister, or have previously made a significant donation to the Conservative Party.”
A spokesperson for the government said: “The people clearly voted to be royally shafted by the incompetent psychopaths we are. We’ve trashed the economy, we’ve given them a world-beating Covid-19 death toll, and now we’re taking away their freedom. This is what we promised in the 2016 referendum and we are proud to have delivered on that promise.”