Tag Archives: Iain Duncan Smith

UK News

Companies leaving UK because of high confidence in Brexit Britain, claims Iain Duncan Smith

Leave a comment

Companies are leaving the UK en masse because they are so confident in Brexit Britain, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the former Minister for Manslaughter said: “No companies are leaving the UK, not a single one, and those that are leaving are doing so because they are extremely confident in Brexit Britain.”

“They are merely taking my advice and seeking out new opportunities in other parts of the world, in ways that they never would have done before our proud country threw off the shackes and protections of the EU.”

“You can trust me on this, and as you know I’ve never been wrong about anything. I am the visionary who came up with Universal Credit, and it was me who coined the phrase ‘work sets you free’ shortly after I visited a concentration camp in the EU.”

“People often come up to me and thank me for ruining their life, but they also ask me to tell them how Brexit can benefit them personally. The answer is simple: anyone can set up an offshore trust and use it to avoid paying any UK tax, thereby saving themselves thousands of pounds a year and making Britain a country we can truly be proud of.”

UK News

IDS praises ‘Big Society’ for Grenfell assistance in absence of state help

1 Comment

Iain Duncan Smith has praised the so-called ‘Big Society’ for stepping in to help Grenfell victims in the complete absence of assistance from the state, it has emerged.

Speaking after his expensive taxpayer funded breakfast, the former Minister for Work and Pensions said: “It is truly heartwarming to see the little people coming to the aid of survivors who made it out of the unfortunate but inevitable fire in Grenfell tower.”

“This is the ‘Big Society’ that David Cameron used to talk about, where the state basically stops looking out for the poorest and most vulnerable, leaving other citizens who take pity and step in.”

“In fact, the public response  has been so encouraging that Theresa May is now considering shutting down all forms of state welfare, except of course MP’s expenses and bank bailouts.”

“I applaud the Conservative-led Kensington and Chelsea council for their brave decision to step back and completely ignore the victims, thereby creating the conditions for this exciting new phase in the development of David Cameron’s Big Society.”

“I have already advised the Prime Minister that the next step should be to close down fire, education and health services in poor areas, to provide an impetus for the little people to organise their own services, all while getting the deficit down and living with their means instead of ours.”

Kensington and Chelsea Council leader Nick Paget-Brown chimed in: “We had been warned that a disaster like this could happen, but like many Conservative politicians I just didn’t care very much whether poor people, many of whom would never vote Conservative anyway, live or die in this Borough.”

“Although this tragedy was entirely preventable, there’s simply no evidence that it would not still have happened had we done our jobs properly and renovated the tower paying attention to the safety of the residents, instead of focusing on making the outside look nice for the wealthy residents of Kensington and Chelsea as we evidently did.”

“It’s just a shame this didn’t happen before the election, because the loss of several hundred Labour voters may have helped this marginal seat stay Conservative.”

UK News

Sprinklers only work in luxurious apartments of the rich, says Chancellor

Leave a comment

Sprinklers only work properly when fitted in the luxurious apartments of the rich, Philip Hammond has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the chancellor said: “There is no real evidence that sprinklers would have quenched the fire in Grenfell Tower, or that non-flammable cladding would have hindered the rapid spread of the flames.”

“Sprinklers are only known to be effective when installed in luxury apartments where well-off Conservative voters live, but the evidence is unclear as to the effectiveness of such systems in social housing where poorer people live.”

“Likewise, things like highly flammable cladding, faulty wiring or dangerously narrow escape routes are only a safety risk to rich people. However, in the context of council flats where Labour voters sometimes live, it is better to think of those so-called risks as design features instead of safety hazards.”

Former Minister for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, praised the Hammond’s defence of the indefensible, saying: “The Chancellor is correct to talk shit on national television about sprinklers not putting out fires where poor people live, many of whom are on benefits and do not have the luxury of claiming tens of thousands in expenses like I do.”

“There are a number of complex reason why dozens of innocent people died in the Grenfell fire, including poor lifestyle choices and not arriving at the local Jobcente on time.”

“Daily Mail readers can rest assured that in the coming days I will be on the prowl inside the burnt shell of the tower, searching for dead bodies to declare fit for work, and the melted fat from the bodies will make a lovely soap to sell in Fortnum and Mason.”

UK News

I have way more blood on my hands than the DUP, boasts Iain Duncan Smith

1 Comment

Iain Duncan Smith has ‘way more blood’ on his hands, the former minister has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC, Mr Duncan Smith said: “Everybody’s making a big deal about the fact that the DUP are associated with loyalist paramilitaries who have killed numerous people in Northern Ireland, but the number of deaths involved pales in comparison to the number of deaths that took place during my bloodthirsty reign at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

“Not only have I got way more blood on my hands, but my methods were far more intelligent and sophisticated than anything those paramilitary groups would have used.”

“It would have been so easy for me to simply kneecap benefit claimants who arrive late at their Jobcentre, but I chose a far more elegant solution where benefits are cut off for a period of months, plunging my victim into poverty, followed by starvation and eventually death.”

“Like Adolf Hitler, I created bureaucratic manslaughter machine able to brutalise the poorest and most vulnerable, while giving perpetrators at all levels a degree of plausible deniability.”

“Why is plausible deniability important, you may ask. Fast forward ten years to my trial at the Hague, and I’ll probably get off by pretending that genuinely I had no idea that cutting off somebody’s benefits would lead to their death by starvation. There’s simply no way I could have predicted the outcome of my cruel policies.”

“Can we please stop pretending the DUP are somehow the most evil political group in Britain, when people like me or Theresa May have been running a far more brutal regime of death across Britain for years now.”

UK News

Rise in food bank use proves austerity is working, claims Iain Duncan Smith

3 Comments

The rise in the use of food banks proves austerity is working, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Writing in the Sun, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions argues: “The poor have been living above their means for over a century now, and by pulling the plug on the welfare state my party has achieved a much needed redistribution of wealth, opportunities and health outcomes in favour of hard working rich people who don’t give a shit about those in need.”

“The fact that so many people now need to use food banks, despite being in full time employment, is a positive step towards a fairer Britain for hard working individuals who have inherited their wealth or who, like me, have married into a rich family.”

“Rising use of food banks is proof that our cruel austerity programme really is working as intended.”

“Some have suggested that some in the Conservative Party are racist bigots, but that is simply not true: We hate the poor of Britain just as much as the poor of Africa or anywhere else, and that proves we are not racist.”

UK News

Iain Duncan Smith to give up cannibalism for lent

Leave a comment

Iain Duncan Smith is to give up cannibalism for lent, it has been announced.

The devoutly Christian former minister said: “I first developed a taste for human flesh during my time as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, or ‘Minister for Manslaughter’ as I am affectionately known in some Facebook groups.”

“As it became clear that my cruel benefit cuts were killing people in numbers beyond even my own wildest dreams, I embarked on a rigorous academic study and concluded that I would be able to make significant efficiency gains by cooking and eating the flesh and organs of benefit claimants who had died as a result of my sick policies.”

“Since early 2011 my daily intake of meat has been exclusively human flesh”

“Although I was recently diagnosed with Kuru, which is quite similar to Mad Cow Disease, I haven’t allowed to affect my political career, and my parliamentary colleagues say they are unable to notice any difference.”

“And as a devout Christian, I am pleased to announced that I will be giving up cannibalism for lent, in honour of Our Lord Jesus Christ who would definitely approve of all the evil shit I have done in recent years.”

UK News

New DWP Work Capability Assessment to simply ask “are you alive?”

4 Comments

The Department for Work and Pensions is to bring in a new Work Capability Assessment that simply checks whether the ‘victim’ is alive, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Government said: “The Department for Work and Pensions is committed to creating a benefits system fit for twenty first century Tory Britain, where the needy are hounded to death, and where mercenary healthcare professionals declare everybody fit for work regardless of medical evidence.”

“Thanks to groundbreaking research by Iain Duncan Smith, it is now an established scientific fact that the Nazis were correct when they claimed ‘work sets you free’. And because Britain voted for freedom on 23 June 2016, the DWP now has a clear mandate to declare everybody fit for work, regardless of medical evidence to the contrary.”

“Our new Work Capability Assessment will be undertaken by healthcare professionals with no actual medical training, who will ask a single question: are you dead or alive?”

“If the victim is alive or unable to produce an up to date CV that proves they died in a DWP approved industrial accident, they will be declared fit for work and have their benefits stopped.”

“This is the will of the people as expressed on 23 June last year, which is irrevocable and must be respected, forever.”

 

UK News

Anger as Iain Duncan Smith slams ‘enemies of autocracy’

Leave a comment

The High Court judges who ruled in favour of parliamentary sovereignty are ‘shameful enemies of autocracy’ , Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

The former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions went into meltdown immediately after the High Court ruling, ranting: “This is a disgrace which would never have happened under the Nazis.”

“We need to start thinking seriously about abolishing the rule of law, to make sure this kind of aberration doesn’t happen again.”

“How dare these unelected judges rule on a matter of the law, and arrive at an objective and thoughtful judgement. These delicate snowflakes know nothing of the patriotic glory of Brexit Britain, and as such they are truly shameful enemies of autocracy and tyranny.”

“How the fuck is Theresa May supposed to rule Britain as a far right tyrant now?”

“Next I suppose they’ll be telling me that my ruthless war on the unemployed, sick and disabled was a crime against humanity for which I should be prosecuted.”

UK News

Gas chambers in hospitals would make NHS fairer and more efficient, suggests Iain Duncan Smith

5 Comments

The construction of gas chambers in hospitals would make the National Health Service fairer and more efficient, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC’s pro-government presenter Andrew Marr, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “The so-called humanitarian crisis facing the NHS is definitely not a result of deliberate funding cuts that Jeremy Hunt has imposed.”

“According to my own personal research, the NHS crisis is in fact due to a worrying lack of social justice and efficiency in our hospitals.”

“And that is why I have asked Jeremy Hunt to consider introducing ATOS gas chambers into hospitals, to streamline the manslaughter of the poor and vulnerable.”

“I have also asked him to consider bringing in staff from G4S to act as hospital porters of death, who would be tasked with finding and incinerating patients who had missed a Job Centre appointment due to having been in hospital.”

“As always, the strongest safeguards will be put in place. Only after a subjective tick-box test that ignores medical evidence would a patient be wheeled into one of the hospital’s newly installed ATOS Social Justice Ovens.”

“The emergency measures that I am proposing could save the NHS and would allow Britain to accelerate the patriotic social justice revolution that I initiated during my tenure at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

To which Andrew Marr replied: “I do not have any difficult questions for you, nor will I give our viewers any hint about the sinister motives behind the policies of you and many other Tory politicians.”

“I am sure our glorious Fuhrer Mrs May, whom I adore profoundly, will seriously consider your groundbreaking proposal to establish a fairer and more efficient NHS fit for 21st century Britain, or 1930s Germany.”

“My knighthood’s in the post, right?”

UK News

Tories to spend the day laughing about child poverty

Leave a comment

A number of Conservative MPs plan to spend the day in parliament laughing about child poverty, it has been announced.

One front bench Conservative MP said: “Like many of my parliamentary colleagues, I love nothing better than having a good laugh at the plight of people, especially children, whom we have cruelly plunged into poverty.”

“In fact, I only go to prime minister’s questions because I enjoy hearing Jeremy Corbyn give examples of the poverty and hardships that ordinary people are being made to suffer as a result of policies I voted for.”

“It’s hilarious. I just can’t stop myself from bursting out in laughter when I hear the details of their wretched lives.”

“It’s also good to know that our regressive policies are working as intended, taking the country back to the Victorian era of private wealth and public squalor.”

“These proles only have themselves to blame for making the lifestyle choice of being born into a Northern or working class family. It’s a clear case of poor financial planning on their part.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the disgraced former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions added: “The fact that I married a rich wife and now live in luxury on the sprawling estate of my in-laws makes me uniquely qualified to comment on topics related to social justice, employment and benefits.”

“My own painstaking research, which is based entirely on Tory ideological assumptions instead of facts, shows that child poverty is actually the direct result of poor lifestyle choices not only by the parents, but by the children themselves.”

“If a seven year old is too lazy to sweep chimneys or sell themselves into slavery, then their family definitely deserves to be sanctioned and starve. Starvation sets you free, as I have always said.”

“And we have to ask the question: if that kind of innovative child labour is good enough for economic powerhouses like India or Indonesia, then why isn’t it good enough for these British snowflakes?”

“So when the leader of the opposition tells us about the supposed hardships of ordinary people I clearly do not give a single fuck about, it makes me want to jump up and punch the air with both fists.”

“When I do that, I like to imagine I’m a fascist version of Chuck Norris and I’m punching massive holes in the windows of people who are on benefits, so they’ll be freezing cold all Christmas.”